You'd think I would write about the great house search...

I am busting my little testicles to try to get some sort of digital portfolio out. Tell me someone would want to see it. I have been so tired recently. Maybe it is because I have been treating my body like crap (feeding it Taco Bell and such). I feel lazy, and don't want to do anything. I hope Patrick has a little bit of time tonight, I kinda wanna snuggle. ... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (yeah right!)

blood is thicker than starbucks pumpkin spice lattes...

I love my Nana. She is one of the most wonderful women on the planet. I wish I could take her pain from her and bear that burden so that she can be happy. She is so wise, and a phenomenal listener. She gives realistic advice, and thinks like a machine. I love her so much, I think I am going to cry.

Maybe we should try.... yeah?

Erin feels like crap. :(

send the pain below

I don't think that we are in love with each other anymore. Saying "I love you" is like a chore. Every day that goes by makes me think that this is becoming more and more true. And it is ok that I say this here, because he doesn't read this anyway, why should he care? I can say that this it eating away at me on the inside and that I cry, but he wouldn't care. Probably think that its just an stupid feeling. I have been trying to physically get into my own head to rip out these thoughts, but he wouldn't know, because he doesn't play with my hair enough to notice the scabs on my scalp and blood on his fingers. I don't know what to do. I don't want to go through life wondering if I am spending it with the wrong person. We are both unhappy. We argue over virtually everything. I think that he is an unthoughtful jerk who doesn't really care about what I want, or my stupid interests. I probably come off to him as one large headache that doesn't stop. Neither of us deserve this. We make better friends than spouses. I don't know what to do.

ahhh, sunday...

so, here is me... on Sunday. I haven't done anything constructive (with the exception of working on this logo and a few loads of laundry. Oh yeah, I made a new banner for my deviant art (its on my myspace page). maybe I have been more productive than I thought... Oh, Note to self: Don't be an asshole to someone when they feel bad about themselves already.

Sony DSC-N1

Oh my goodness, I got the camera that I haven't been able to get out of my mind for days... Nicole is a very happy girl.

Example #1

This is what love is all about. Much credit to the artist. Bravo.

just fracking great...

"Can't do this.... can't do that!"
What the hell can I do around here! I can't be Nicole, I can't be honest, I can't work on my things while I have nothing to do. I can't leave, what the f*ck am I supposed to do? I am frustrated. I don't feel well, I have a headache and I am hungry.
A thought just came to me... more like a memory. I remember when Patrick and I used to go to the Rainbow. They have good food there. I like the pasta, and the way that Patrick looked in the lighting. We had fun. We sort of had money- just didn't do anything smart with it. hmmmm.
Still frustrated. I am probably not even allowed to be typing this. heh.

Peachy Mango breed Skittles Chapstick by Bonne Bell

My lips smell good.

so is it love?

If you get out in the drivin' rain
Stand in the eye of the hurricane
And never think twice
If you turn your back on selfishness
And your thoughts are for someone else
Cause' they've changed your life

That's how you know it's love
That's how you know it's meant to be
When the span of forever
Just never seems long enough
That's how you know it's love

When your heart insists that you give it all
When you no longer fear the fall
And you just let go
When the past is finally dead and gone
Fate leads you somewhere to the one
That has your soul
That's how you know it's love
That's how you know it's meant to be
When the span of forever
Just never seems long enough
That's how you know it's love

No part of you questions
No part of you doubts
You're only sure this is what love's about
And nothing and no one
Can stand in your way
Or keep you from sayin' what your heart is dyin' to say
That's how you know it's love
That's how you know it's meant to be
When the span of forever
Just never seems long enough
That's how you know it's love

but i cant tell you from the drugs

i feel like i dont belong here. i feel like a stranger. i feel like i am trapped inside of myself only to see my body ruining everything that i have worked so hard for. i keep screaming, but nobody can hear me. my body says things that make other people mad, that make me mad. i want to die. i want to disappear, because it is not like i make a positive difference anyway. i want to be alone, i want someone to take my quivering hand and tell me that everything is going to be ok beautiful. he used to wipe tears from my eyes... now they just fall. i dont know if you can re-fall in love with someone, but i wish i could on command. i used to feel special, and look forward to getting off of work. maybe everything moved too fast. i wish someone could help me.

Love.

I love my Patrick more and more with every new day. He is absolutely beautiful- especially when he smiles. He's Amazing. I am in love.

If I could be anything...

I want...NEED to go to HALIFAX!!!!!!! but I have class tonight. *sigh*

Nicole and the terrible, horrible, not-so-good, very bad day.

Great... I bled straight through my pants...and I like these ones. Also, it is only noon, so I have to go for another 4 hours with bloody pants on. If I knew it wasn't visible, I probably wouldn't care so much, but it is visible- so I am miserable. And I hurt. I really hope this painting class makes me feel better- I like the idea of painting-it is so romantic- just me, the brushes, the canvas, and my paint. Stupid period. Grrr, it has to ruin everything.

And I will pull the trigger...

My back has been bothering me to no end for the past two days... Its gotten to the point that I had to call to miss class yesterday, it hurt so bad. I hope it doesn't get too bad today, I really want to go to my painting class.